Bernard Kerik — the President’s choice for Homeland Security Chief — stepped down because of “nanny problems” this week.

This seems a little bizarre to me. After all, not only was he being touted as — because of his experience as a city police commissioner — imminently well-suited to the task of running the office responsible for every security, homeland defense, and law enforcement group in the entire nation, but he showed a dash of creativity in the realm of Bush’s corporate goals as well by demonstrating how to outsource domestic jobs without moving his entire family to another country!

So why should his nomination be yanked over a nanny problem?

I mean, so Kerik hired an illegal alien to watch his kids. I always thought that living and working in Washington, D.C. required having illegal aliens as house slaves. I thought it was a matter of efficiency.

First, it stimulates the economy. The wages may be lower than normal American citizens would be paid, but they still have to be spent. And not all American jobs are currently held by illegal aliens, so when Kerik’s nanny spent her money, some American was bound to benefit. Consider it a Bush twist on Reagan’s trickle-down economics.

Second, the Administration has been stymied as to how to outsource domestic help positions. Sure, they figured out they could outsource factory jobs by building factories overseas. And computer programmers were easily outsourced because you can write code from anywhere in the world. Recently I even heard that they’d figured out how to outsource the jobs of x-ray readers through the use of digitization of the x-ray, tomographic and other diagnostic images, which can then be sent to the doctors. It is believed that Kerik was, in fact, testing theories for outsourcing physicians by experimenting with domestic help. The big issue rich politicos have to ask for both groups is, “How do we outsource those jobs without having to move ourselves to those foreign markets that end up filling these positions in order to utilize their services?”

After all, for most outsourcing jobs, the workers will no longer be in the United States. Until the U.S. economy collapses and we manage to create our own Third-World Workforce right here in America, we have to build factories and call centers and other facilities outside the U.S. in order to outsource these jobs. Kerik is believed to be the first to have recognized that domestic jobs could be outsourced right here in America by bringing the foreign workers in “under the radar.”

The third reason I thought hiring illegal nannies was encouraged is that it reminds politicos why they’re doing this in the first place — so all Americans can wind up unemployed and willing to scrape for a living. After all, until the American workforce can be convinced to stop demanding a living wage, American corporations are going to be forced to endure shipping costs between the United States and other countries.

Now, some people might be inclined to think that it wasn’t just the Nanny Experiment that killed Kerik’s chances at Homeland Security. CBS “News” reports today, for example, that Newsweek had questioned the White House about Kerik’s arrest warrants and pending lawsuits over his New Jersey condo, his extra-marital affair (something which, all by itself, could have torpedoed his nomination if he were a Democrat) and the thousands of dollars in gifts and cash that he failed to report.

At first blush, the moral issues here would seem to be enough to douse the Administration’s hopes of another Horatio Alger rags-to-riches story of a poor bald kid working the process hard and single-handedly pulling himself from the job of police commissioner for the city of New York to head of Homeland Security, responsible for the safety of an entire nation. (And, of course, there’s the lost hope of learning just how the Louima technique, pioneered by New York’s Finest, could work in Homeland Security.)

The Administration is no stranger to the idea of saying one thing to the American public, while doing something else. Their entire campaign for Bush’s re-seizure of the White House was, after all, based upon it. So although admitting that it was “the right thing to do” under the (political) circumstances, Republicans are seriously saddened by Kerik’s decision to withdraw his nomination. As Republican hero Rudy Giuliani said,

The irony of this is, he’s about as qualified as he could possibly be for this job. Kerik: Withdrawing ‘was the right thing to do’ (December 12, 2004) CNN.

Guiliani reportedly based his opinion on the fact that Kerik — a former “deadbeat” who filed bankruptcy after being unable to manage his credit card bills, loans, J.C. Penney’s and Sears accounts — had already managed to show how he could overcome adversity by obtaining over six million dollars from his stock options in a stun gun business. His involvement came after he, Rudy Giuliani and other New York City officials decided to capitalize on their popularity as saviors of New York after the infamous “9/11” of 2001 by starting Giuliani Partners.

Few people remember that, like President Bush himself, Kerik and Giuliani were not well-liked by ordinary Americans until after 9/11. These men — all of them — turned what could have been a disaster for American’s self-confidence in our security into both a police state and a financial boon for themselves.

The failure of intelligence in the CIA — already being rectified by Peter Goss — is not believed to be linked to the failure of the Bush Administration to learn — before everyone ended up with egg on their faces — about Kerik’s “unqualifications” for the job. (Some of you may remember Peter Goss, who himself was involved in Iran-Contra profiteering with Jeb and Neil Bush. He’s the guy who, before becoming head of the CIA, defended the Bush Administration for leaking the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame. At the time, this was considered a necessary “national security” move to warn Bush’s enemies about the consequences of speaking out against him. Goss is currently ensuring the long-term disability of the CIA by forcing nearly all top veterans of that department to resign because of their refusal to provide only intelligence the Bush Administration wants publicized. Two of these veterans recently received a five-minute standing ovation from CIA employees after they stood up to Goss’ aide and resigned.)

No word yet on whether the Bush Administration, in addition to withdrawing Kerik’s name from the nomination, is going to return our Constitution.