The other day, in “Butt-kickin’ Christians,” I wrote about the fundamentalist “christian” movement targeting stores like, well, Target, for presumably not doing their god-given duties with respect to evangelism.

Nevermind that such stores don’t have a god-given duty to evangelize. Jerry Falwell and his ilk will brook no excuses based on the idea that Target and other retailers might simply want to sell their wares — and that some of their customers might not want to have their shopping experience accompanied by wishes for a “Merry Holiday – You – Don’t – Celebrate – But – We’re – Shoving – It – Down – Your – Throat – Anyway.” Falwell’s Folks would not care if the majority of Target’s customers were non-Christmas-celebrators. “All the more reason the cashiers need to tell everyone about Jesus!” they might say.

And now they’re turning their guns on President Dubya.

Oddly enough, though, even Jerry Falwell has his limits.

I said it the other day and I’ll say it again: I really have no problem (none whatsoever) with people who wish to celebrate their religious holidays. I have, in the past, celebrated my own, albeit not usually in Target — and definitely not in Walmart, where I won’t even set foot. I don’t even actually care if — like the Pharisees with whom they share so much in common — christians wish to do so publicly. Jesus might have a problem with it (see Matthew, Chapter 6), but I don’t.

The sad part is that these folk couldn’t give a rat’s ass what God wants. I strongly suspect they don’t give a rat’s ass because, after all, they don’t actually know God.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Matthew 7:21-23 (New International Version).

(Hey, I didn’t say it. Jesus did.)

What I do have a problem with is phony christians who insist that the rest of the world honor the fiction that they actually worship God by putting on a pretense of paying homage to “Him” as well. Fact of the matter, christian-pretendtabees, is that a large number of people shopping in stores aren’t out there because of Christmas. I know I’m not. And while I don’t get angry or upset if a cashier or waitperson reminds me that Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or any other December celebration is too unimportant because of the assumption that everyone celebrates only Christmas, I would also prefer not to be constantly wished a Merry Christmas when I will never celebrate Christmas myself and would not care if it retired to the relative oblivion in which it lived prior to the 1800s.

Increasingly, I find myself hearing the words “Merry Christmas” for what fundamentalists like Jerry Falwell really mean when they say them:

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! We’re not just offensive — we’re on the offensive! We’re tired of you not living according to our moral principles! We’re tired of having you pretend that our religious beliefs don’t have to be observed by everyone everywhere all the time! We’re kicking butts and you just don’t like it! Fuck you!

Because make no mistake. That’s exactly what Falwell and his followers mean these days. And when they wish one another (instead of someone who doesn’t want to hear it) a “Merry Christmas,” they’re saying:

Fuck them! Fuck them! Fuck them! We’ll show them! We’re not just offensive — we’re on the offensive! We’re gunna kick their butts and they’re not gunna like it! Fuck them!

Yes, increasingly, that’s what contemporary neo-conversative neo-Pharisaical idiots like Falwell intend by their message. Talk about missing the Christmas spirit!

And now those same folks — already in a twit because storekeepers fail to recognize that no one matters but the fundies — are in an uproar over President Bush’s “holiday” card. Nevermind that he’s the President of the United States (god that’s sad). Nevermind that the United States contains millions — yes, you friggin’ neo-Pharisees, millions! — of people who don’t observe christian or Christian traditions.

Nevermind that the President sends many of his “holiday” cards to some of “those other, insignificant, unimportant, ignorant heathen bastards” who populate this once-great nation. And nevermind that perhaps no other President has made a better job of mixing christianity and government than George Bush. Who pulled an anti-abortion candidate for the Supreme Court of the United States because the neo-Pharisees didn’t like her? (And why not? Was it because she was a woman candidate — after all, neo-Pharisees can’t abide a woman in such important positions.) Who continually invokes God in his public speeches? Who kowtows more to the neo-Pharisees than George Bush?

Yet the neo-Pharisees are pissed off because, in recognition that his cards will go to other people (who might actually vote!) who don’t celebrate even the secularized version of Christmas (let alone either the true Christian or the Jerry Falwell FuckY(o)uleTide), the President’s card doesn’t mention Christmas.

Seems to me that maybe what Christianity needs these days is a return to persecution.

I just can’t think of any other way to purge it of the infestation of christianity that seems to have overtaken it.

Oh, as for Falwell’s limits mentioned near the beginning of this article? He’s apparently okay with the card — I guess he’s keeping his eye on the Target and won’t go after his ol’ buddy for opting out of Christmas just because the other neo-Pharisees will.

Dammitman! Are you even a hypocrite when it comes to the way you practice your hypocrisy?!