Well, I’m pissed this morning.

Seems that there’s some hick out there who is creating confusion with my name. And Starbucks is behind it. The irony of it is that this hired gun makes his living working to defend the public image of corporate giant Starbucks which believes that when other people come up with interesting names for their beer, like “Starbock,” or for their coffee shop, like “Sambucks,” their name brand is negatively impacted.

In the most recent case, Starbucks lost their attempt to stop a small gourmet roastery from creating “The Black Bear Micro Roastery Charbucks Blend.” You can see how people might get confused over that one. After all, in the midst of words like “The” and “Black” and “Bear” and so on, you get the syllable “bucks.” I mean, how obvious is that! Clearly, this roastery’s product is indistinguishable in the marketplace from “Starbucks” coffee!

On the other hand, maybe what Starbucks is trying to say is that you, the coffee-drinking American public, are even stupider than most others think. You’re so dumb, Starbucks says, that you’ll get confused over the synonomic similarities, regardless of the presence of some other roasteries name on the label.

The part that really pisses me off, though, is that they had the balls to go out and hire a spokesperson named “Hilowitz.” As the people who know me know, my name is “Horowitz,” and I, too, expect to live and work on this planet.

Now maybe he thinks because his name was published first, it’s okay for him to abuse my name this way. But the fact is that I’ve been using this name for a long time. I’ve become someone known as “that guy, Horowitz.” And I’ll bet you that I’m older than him. That means my name was published first, because my birth announcement was made almost immediately after I was born!

Bad enough Starbucks has to go around disrupting traffic patterns and creating gridlock that makes me late for work. Now they have to inflict damage on my name, too!

Just wait until I graduate law school, you Starbucks cretins!